Like a rock, my stomach hit the pit of wherever it bottoms out inside of me while I simultaneously tried to contain my pounding heart from reeling outside of my chest. The only thing moving faster than my pulse was my mind. I knew. I KNEW what I didn't want to hear confirmed.
Unfortunately, the lessons I've been learning start there with my friends' unfathomable loss.
It was after 10 PM when the instant message came through from a dear friend. It was always a "good time" to talk with her; our hearts had bled together at times and certainly our laughter had echoed through the air in unison. A lot of hours, unfinished thoughts understood and sentences finished, accurately, with the others breath were our commonality.
"Do you know what happened to (Janice)?"
That's when my heart started racing. A teenager. A teenager of a wonderful couple. A couple who have been our friends for more than 20 years: Our "to-be" husbands had found the Lord around the same time and from the same group of guys, the blessing of them being part of our wedding (and watching them get married), our babies we each thought we'd never have were conceived with in weeks of one another...and born the same summer after long, hot walks trying to keep our pregnant bodies in shape-hers fairing so much better than mine. God blessed our friendship over the years in different ways and in many avenues. We're thankful for them and their love for the Lord. But this. This "have you heard..." had to be something way mistaken. I tried to curtail the rushing waters that took my thoughts into rage. I tired interrupting the pounding over and over once more penetrating: a MISTAKE, I repeated.
It wasn't.
"No, I haven't. What is it?"
"Well, let me know if you do."
"I will!"
And off I went on my quest, knowing in my heart, just knowing what had happened.
There had been no accident. Healthy teenagers don't just die. One or two cryptic updates on facebook told me my heart was sharing the hard truth with my head. Yet, I couldn't bring my mouth to say the words I was working so feverishly on proving wrong. Nope. Minutes passing seemed like hours. One text message to an acquaintance confirmed the news.
"Tami, how do you know her parents?" I filled her in.
Unable to voice what I already knew, she confirmed my heart's contentions. I am thankful for her sharing something so difficult with me and for knowing my intentions were for good and not for gossip, which I sadly found out was running rampant through the "tell-a lines."
Suicide. Suicide? Suicide!
We've got to get to her parents. When? How? Where?
First, I've got to tell my friend as I said I would: I didn't want her to hear it from someone else, even as hard as it would be to share.
Back to instant messaging and I get my girlfriend on "live." More than anything, I didn't want to leave a message like this-I didn't want to TYPE a message like this, but I wanted her to know. Too many prayers were not possible for this family.
Midnight wasn't far off.
I began, "You still there?"
"Yep. Did you find out?" Yes! She was there, she replied. Sleep would not easily come tonight but having this shared with her would at least help some. Or so I thought...
"Yeah," I started.
I was physically shaking. How do you tell someone this? Tap, tap, tap. Though twisting in and out of sense, I was finally able to get the keyboard's message pecked out with the words, "...took her own life."
I'm not sure what I expected to see come back to me from my friend, but it wasn't these words:
"I know. I was wondering if you would find out."
Silence
"I'm sorry I had to keep the confidence of the teacher who told me..."
Already filled to the brim with raw emotion, my urgent concerns were figuring out how to best help our friends, and sharing this news with my own teenager who was fast asleep. It is all that mattered, literally, and that's where I spent my energy.
Prayer, praying, crying, praying, praying and praying. Phone calls. Messages. Getting others to pray. Praying. I still do. As a matter of fact, it's coming up on 3 months this weekend, and her family has not left my thoughts, my heart or my prayers. Satan wanted to steal away her young life so God couldn't use her, he won that battle, but he lost the war. She's in heaven, in perfect peace, waiting to hug the ones who she meant the most to and next time there will be no good- bye. The grief will end, not until then, but then it will end completely. Satan's not done; my prayers are that the hearts of my friends are strengthened as they try to keep waking up, breathing, and walking this new life they've been thrown. *I* know God can use this to make good, somehow, because I know their hearts. I'm praying for you guys-love you!
March. New message, same friend. More hurt. I could copy and paste the entire correspondence right here to make it easy, but my intentions are not to be hurtful. So I won't. I will just say that sometimes in life we are hurt, betrayed even, by the ones who we allow closest to us and through no fault of our own. There's an old adage that says, "Hurt(ing) people, hurt people." It's sad but true.
Genesis 50:20 Joseph tells his brothers who have betrayed him for their own good:
And as for you, ye meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive
God's been teaching me and showing me more about His own character, more about Jesus' life, more about myself, and more about how much He loves me...and how He is able to do exceedingly above whatever I could ask or think. God makes good from the hurt.
My ears didn't hear the words, but I'll go down on record without any question saying that I was talked about plenty and in unfavorable ways by someone I'd considered a friend and to others who know me. Hurtful? Sure. Prideful-to be hurt that my name, my reputation was being dragged unfairly through the mud- I think so. I had to realize, and the Lord lovingly showed me, that I had no control over what others say/said about me especially if it wasn't true, furthermore- it wasn't my responsibility. I am responsible for MY words and for MY heart. So, I asked forgiveness for being hurt through my own pride and left it with my Father. Whatever happens, He will take care of it.
Then I read about Judas. Had I ever considered that Judas may have caused angst among Jesus' inner group? Was he once a trusted and devoted friend who then tried to hurt those around him? Was his betrayal toward Jesus his first? Or had Judas made a way of stirring up trouble? I don't know, but I know that as much as pulling out his beard and beating his body beyond human recognition had to hurt physically, Jesus' heart was hurt first by his friend. The one who he chose, loved and trusted turned on Him. I'd never considered that hurt before. I'm sorry that the one who was indeed perfect had his heart broken in betrayal by someone He'd given His life for. Certainly Jesus had not earned this unfaithfulness. I don't want to forsake my Savior's trust, His love or His heart...ever again.
There's more. I learned that my husband's heart was only and always for me. FOR me. At times Satan will use his lies to try to divide us and yes, at times I go absolutely crazy trying to reason love vs insanity in my own mind. But-again-I confirm that even at times of what we like to call his "lack of brain" (thank you, Scarecrow), my husband loves me with his whole heart. Thank you, Honey. I am reminded to pray for him to overcome the wiles the devil likes to throw in his life, and I am urged through Christs' love to see his heart instead of his wayward actions. Thank you, Lord.
Finally, I share with you how out of a dark place in my heart with friendships, God shows up. Not only He shows up, but he rang my doorbell! Through the harms way of misjudged character, I was reminded of three very special people in my life. Ones who I could trust the contents of my heart fully with and do so without fear. How wonderful is it to have just one in your life like that? And plus my husband, I have THREE!
My home phone rings usually only on two, ok-three, occasions: 1. Wrong number 2.Sales calls and 3. Political campaigns. Today was different. "Mom, it's Jill."
"JILL!" Jill? Guess what? She's the ONE. We had a short chat. She inquired about when I'm usually finished teaching for the day (she's a school librarian and always cognizant of my own children learning), laughed about me still being in my pjs, and fast forwarded to when we were leaving for the afternoon's baseball game. Short but sweet and always great to hear her voice. This day had been out of the ordinary on many levels. My youngest exclaimed when I came down to fix breakfast that I hadn't showered yet. Very unusual. I'm usually dressed before my foot hits the bottom step. I don't get "make-up time" in my daily schedule. My husband had to go into the office for the first time in THREE weeks. That meant I could actually make noise without interrupting his work. You know, the kind of noise that had been missing in my home for nearly a month, such as scrubbing the floor while the dogs barked at the motion, using the vacuum for longer than 'before my next call...' stuff like that. Deciding I had a little more time before I'd first get my shower and then clean the downstairs, I finished up my teaching with the youngest and continued some work on my computer. I was abruptly interrupted by the door bell which normally sounded as often as the home phone rang.
Guess who?
JILL! She was visiting a town 90 minutes away and didn't want her trip to go by without seeing me at least to hug my neck. And there she stood with pizza in one hand and a 2 liter Diet Pepsi in the other.
She doesn't realize this, but God was right beside her. Could my 'physical' circumstances have been in much worse shape (the house was a mess and I hadn't even combed my hair that morning let alone made myself presentable)? Nope. Was I hurried for the afternoon ahead? Yep. Did it matter? Not at all. She was sent from TN to my VA front door to show me what a friend really is and to confirm God's love for me, and she doesn't even know it! (Well, she will now-thanks Jill for being that friend for all these years. I love you unconditionally, too.)
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loveth at all times.
No comments:
Post a Comment